You just can’t get away from homosexuals these days. Between the Supreme Court's ruling on DOMA and Prop 8, the coming-out of professional athletes like Jason Collins and Robbie Rogers, that one Macklemore song, and Miley Cyrus’ haircut, you can barely turn on the television without seeing some homosexual prancing on your screen. And it’s not just TV; it’s real life. Even if you don’t live in one of the urban centers where homosexuals used to migrate—places like San Francisco, that hotbed of sodomy and tech start-ups—chances are, there is a homosexual near you (this is especially true if you are in the vicinity of a hair salon). Homosexuals are not only everywhere; they are more accepted every day. Just this summer, Exodus International, the world’s largest ex-gay organization, announced it was shutting down and acknowledged that one’s sexuality cannot be changed no matter how hard your rather effeminate boyfriend tries to erase the image of Tom Brady in a Speedo from his brain. This introduction is meant to prepare you for the day when “love the sinner, hate the sin” is no longer considered an appropriate response to, say, your daughter’s engagement to her partner of a decade.
In case you’re unfamiliar with homosexuality, let me explain. Homosexuality is a condition in which one is attracted to members of the same sex. There is no definitive theory on why some of us are homosexual and some are not, but hypotheses include genetics, birth order, and exposure to the music of George Michael while in utero. Symptoms among males include a love of mesh tank tops, the pop star Beyonce, and hair products. Gay men often fall into one of three camps: twinks (young, thin, on club drugs); jocks (just like the ones you remember from high school but less ashamed of locker room circle jerks and more interested in muscle tone than sports scores); and bears (large, hirsute, and often found wearing leather and/or plaid; sub-categories include cubs, otters, seals, wolves, panda bears, polar bears, and muscle bears). Of course, not all gay men can be shoved into these categories, and the normalization of homosexuality means an emergence of previously unknown subcultures like regular old guys who don’t give a shit about RuPaul’s Drag Race and just happen to be gay.
There are also multiple varieties of homosexual females (see, for example, a common middle-aged variant recognizable by their Labradoodles and “Life is Good” t-shirts), but they are easy to spot as they tend to move in packs. While homosexual men may seek companionship among heterosexual women (often known as “fag hags”) as well as both gay and straight men, lesbians tend to segregate from other parts of society and prefer to maintain friend groups comprised solely of other gay women. This does not, however, mean that all it takes to befriend a lesbian is a mutual love of vagina. On the contrary, lesbians naturally divide into sects and look upon sects other than their own with derision. You’ll never see a softball lesbian sharing a blanket at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival with a hipster dyke who has prominent and colorful tattoos. While it’s true that both may have bowl cuts, any chance of friendship is negated by the fundamental disparity in the widths of their pant legs.
Let’s move on other variations of homosexuality. “The Family,” as homosexuals often refer to their wider community, includes many sub-genres. Take, for instance, bisexuals, who are noted for the intense jealousy they incite in their partners, who may look at anyone with viable genitalia as a potential rival. The view that bisexuals are merely slutty is antiquated yet persists, perhaps due to a lack of understanding or maybe The Real L Word. Bisexual males are far less common than bisexual females and young men often identify as bi as a stepping-stone on their way to becoming 100 percent gay. That said, they do exist, so put down the pen, bi guy with a bone to pick.
Another variation of homosexuals are transgenders. Symptoms include feeling like you were born in the wrong body and the desire to change one’s name from something gender specific (e.g., “Jane”) to something gender neutral (e.g., “Toast”). Famous among this population are Chas Bono and David Arquette’s former brother/current sister Alexis. You may also have heard the term “queer” used to refer to homosexuals. Formerly considered derogatory, “queer” has been re-appropriated by homosexuals as an umbrella term that includes basically anyone we are interested in sleeping with. Is it acceptable for heterosexuals to use the term queer? It depends on your intention—as long as you aren't yelling it from your truck window as you speed past two guys holding hands, go for it.
Yes, homosexuality is complicated and this may seem like a lot to remember, but it’s 2013—whether you’re in Provincetown or Prairieville, the pendulum is swinging like a drag queen’s extensions. It’s only a matter of time before someone in your life admits that he always dreamed of being the first out linebacker in the NFL, so accept it soon or you’ll be the only one in church still wagging your finger and reciting Leviticus. In the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., “The arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward...” a lesbian wedding in springtime. The fight isn’t over yet, but it’s close.